The following is the speech by Stephanie Kollmar at the Euthanasia Prevention Coalition rally on parliament hill on April 13.
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| Stephanie Kollmar |
I was 26 when my husband took his life. To make matters worse, it was suicide by cop.
The four years of our marriage worsened year after year with partly his pride in refusing to accept help and consistent hospital visitations that resulted in no solution. In his young mind and prideful nature, he turned to the use of street drugs instead of psychiatric support as his self-medicating choice. This of course worsened his mental state, brought abuse into our home and finally, in hopes that he would seek help by my walking away, I left with the children.
Unfortunately, he didn't see the hope I saw. He saw the end and called 911, and upon their arrival he charged directly at the police, running full speed in his underwear down our driveway, the same police station that visited my home so many nights, chose to shoot him multiple times. He died that night January 18, 2010, in Saint-Dorothée QC at 26 years old.
My already broken nervous system went into shock. My daughters were 6 and 2. I had been a stay-at-home mom with a full focus to help him heal and my last initiative failed. In my own grief I was dissociated, numb, struggling with guilt, and uncertain how I was going to show up for my daughters. I was fortunate to have my parents and moved in with them. Being in their Christian home started to bring back a sense of peace and regulation, but I struggled immensely to be around other families at church and to connect at a deeper level. The last thing I wanted was to feel the amount of emotional pain that was surging through my body or have people pity me.
I tried my best to put on a smile and keep conversation short and light, but I ended up leaving the church. I couldn't sustain pretending, isolation felt safer and I had a plan to end my life.
Though he had left me with debt after the forced house sale from his death, I had a small amount of savings and had begun working three months after he passed. I had decided once the money was gone, I estimated about six months, I would end my life and my daughters would be better off without their broken-hearted struggling mom. I would not be here today, living this beautiful life, if I had been given an option to receive help to be killed.
That six-month duration from May 2010 to Nov 2010, though still painful, was enough time for me to process this secret decision and recognize, I needed my daughters and they needed me.
One day at a time I started to dream of a future again, leading me into the corporate world to begin a career, and opening my eyes to see how the trauma had affected my nervous system. I further struggled to have meaningful connections with those around me, I was rigid, guarded and very afraid of men. A couple years went by until I finally accepted I needed to start therapy - and ultimately fell in love with my healing journey. I discovered a lot about the mind, processing, unconscious beliefs, behavioural patterns, victim mentality, attachment styles, trauma, nervous system regulation and emotional intelligence. Adding nervous system practices that strengthen the vagal nerve, it complimented my talk therapy sessions beautifully as it began to regulate my nervous system, which strengthened my capacity for stress, disarmed my fight/flight reactions and rewire my mind to change my perspective.
I became a better mom, and climbed the latter in the corporate world becoming a client experience director, building teams, building up people, mentoring and recognizing skills while restructuring support channels. I became a healthier, loving, motivated version of myself. In 2024, I left the corporate world to pursue deeper learning of trauma therapy through The Crisis and Trauma Resource Institute out of Alberta. To add to my nervous system regulation skills, knowing I wanted to work with the body, I studied therapeutic Swedish massage which opened the door for insurance receipt support so I could open a clinic.
Life didn't stop throwing its curve balls; facing mental health struggles with my youngest daughter almost rocked me to my core, in fear of losing her as I did her dad - but with great support, and being more resilient with a broader capacity for stress we made it through.
Again, I couldn't imagine if she was offered euthanasia support at the Children's Hospital in Montreal or the Douglas mental health institute instead of the incredible knowledge-based help we received. Now studying dance full time, she's focused on her dreams and I'm able to start mine, the opening of espace d'espoir. The Space of Hope. A women focused business I've recently created to continue the care for women who have lost hope, desire to feel safe and loved - possibly for the first time, and help them reintegrate their lives into society by supporting their bodies to soften the effects of shame, pain and trauma, so they can find joy in living.
There is no world where euthanasia should be a welcomed option. As I said today, euthanasia eliminates the opportunity for hope - and Canada should be ashamed to believe that killing those in need makes us a valued, reputable country. People are worthy of life.
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